Before you read, answer yourself honestly to the question: have you ever had a complex? Have you ever felt guilty or felt like you didn’t deserve something? Because of appearance, character, physical form, abilities and their lack, financial situation, tastes, views? After all, it is not difficult to find a reason for complexes. Obviously, even if it is now long behind you – it has touched you.
The concept of the complex was introduced into psychoanalysis by Carl Gustav Jung. Complexes are an unconscious and highly emotionally colored representation of a person about himself, which affects the mental state of a person. In simple words, this is a wrong perception by a person of any of their own qualities or their exaggeration .
Most often, the complex affects a person negatively and leads him to aggression or withdrawal. The reasons for their appearance are obvious: the influence of society and past experience, which caused certain emotions and doubts. The earlier this experience is acquired, the harder it is to get rid of the complex. That is why they say that complexes acquired in childhood (for example, as a result of bullying at school or constant criticism in the family) remain forever and it is incredibly difficult to get rid of them. The thing is that the child does not have the critical thinking to analyze information about himself, to disagree with it, and this uncertainty is fixed in the subconscious and does not want to disappear at all, even after a long time.
Complexes act as a constraint on us . They seem to wrap themselves in a shell, woven from stereotypes and self-dislike, which has to be broken with difficulty. There is stiffness, isolation, confidence in the undeserved something good, fear, shame, avoidance of communication, indecision in their own actions, excessive self-criticism, inadequate self-esteem, rejection of relationships, fear of being photographed, depression, dependence on other people’s opinions, guilt, excellent student syndrome, a sense of superiority and much more. It is because of this that it seems that something prevents you from living fully, fulfilling, doing what you really want and generally being happy. It seems as if having some shortcomings, we do not deserve something good and worthwhile. We don’t deserve to be loved because we think we’re ugly. We do not deserve good opportunities and a successful career, because we seem to be untalented. This leads to a feeling of not belonging to the environment and the feeling that we are superfluous in this world and will not be able to adapt to it.
However, if you really do not want to live with complexes and want to cope with them, what should you do?
To begin with, recognizing the complex is already a job.
Simply recognizing the problem and giving it minimal publicity among close people is already a good start for further work. Then there are 2 ways: if you can change something-change it , if it can’t be changed-accept it. Eg: you can choose the right care for your skin to make it look healthier, but you can’t change your height, so you find your positive aspects in it and accept it. It is difficult to love your shortcomings, but at least you can start to treat them as features that make you a unique person.
Make fewer demands on yourself.
Because of inadequate self-esteem, you are most likely not happy with yourself and your work all the time, too belittle your success and set yourself initially impossible goals, which, of course, you do not achieve and because of which you then get upset. You can’t read a book every day or always keep track of the BJ calculation for the day. You can’t always go according to plan, and that’s perfectly normal. Don’t criticize yourself too much for that.
Stop comparing yourself to others.
Be inspired, peek, agree, but do not think that you are worse than someone else . There are no perfect people, everyone has their own fears, weaknesses and shortcomings. This makes each of us unique. It sounds so simple, but for some reason it is very difficult for us to understand it.
Stop trying to convince people that you have some flaws.
Here, of course, we are talking about external complexes. Believe me, until you say that you have a terrible scar on your forehead, which in your opinion makes the whole face ugly-no one will notice it and certainly will not dislike you because of it. But as soon as you focus on it, the person will notice it, and then he will see it constantly, as if this scar is circled with a marker.
Pay attention to how often you look at people passing by: are you interested in how they are dressed and whether they have external flaws, do you feel disgust or hatred for their appearance? I don’t think so. So why do they always pay attention to you and think you’re ugly?
Maybe you think that everyone is looking only at you and judging your appearance, but in fact, everyone just doesn’t care what you look like. According to research on instant memory, a passing person will remember the face of another passerby for 0.5-3 seconds, after which the brain will simply erase the image as unnecessary information . And certainly no one will remember for the rest of their lives your mole on your lip or the dirt on your shoes. If we paid attention and remembered such unnecessary, unpleasant little things, then our memory would have been overflowed long ago.
Your body is your business . The main thing is how interesting you are to others as a person, as an individual.
Try to learn from what makes you uncomfortable.
For example, you are afraid of public speaking, you are nervous if you need to answer in front of a large audience. You start to get complex, but why not discover something new instead? For example, public speaking courses, or the study of public speaking. When you learn a lesson from something that seems unpleasant – your brain relaxes .
Use filtering.
After the conclusions are made for yourself, filter out those factors that put excessive pressure and criticism on you. If you constantly hear criticism and insults in a certain environment, then maybe you should think about changing it? Stop hanging out with people who make you feel bad. Change your activity if it brings only frustration and dissatisfaction. Create a new comfortable environment for yourself.
Play sports.
Do not forget about sports. In addition to the fact that it clearly improves the physical condition and makes the body healthier, which already helps to cope with complexes about appearance, it is also a great reason to distract yourself and clean your thoughts. Physical activity eliminates bad thoughts, anxiety, and excessive introspection, freeing you from stress at the level of feelings.
Learn to embody what you want.
Another important point is impersonation . The fact is that our conscious and subconscious minds speak different languages. We use conscious thinking verbally when we talk to people or to ourselves. But the subconscious is about feelings and experiences. To gain this experience, you need to embody the expected result, in this case, to embody self-confidence. The simplest thing is to write down all your feelings, emotions and thoughts, and then destroy what you have written, delete a document in your computer, or tear a page out of your diary. Thus, our subconscious mind gets the message that this is over, because the destruction of disturbing thoughts becomes an experience, and we get a sense of purification. In addition, it is absolutely normal to pronounce a speech to yourself from someone else’s face, which you think would bring you satisfaction. Imagine that someone who criticizes you suddenly says something very nice to you. Say his words in your head, it really works and the subconscious makes you feel better.
Undoubtedly, complexes often have a positive effect and make us improve our appearance or health, motivating us with the expected result . This can lead to something positive: a radical change in appearance, weight loss, sports, self-education. And of course, we fight them, because it’s the right thing to do. The only truth is that all this race to the goal and all this painful improvement in an attempt to get closer to the very ideal that, when compared with others, will finally bring satisfaction – meaninglessness. It is very easy to spend your whole life in this race for the result for the sake of someone else or for the sake of someone else’s approval. And you can accelerate so much that you can no longer stop (remember anorexia, fitness addiction or workaholism). It is important to remember that you will always be disliked by someone, and no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you build your outer and inner shells, no matter how much you achieve and how many people you help, there will always be someone who does not like your teeth or your tone of voice. Even if you use that voice to say very important things. You are a human being, a representative of the human race, a unit and, of course, an individual . But they will always find someone to compare you with and criticize you for. And as long as it hurts you – it will continue to prevent you from living the life you really want.
In conclusion, I would like to recommend literature that will help to work out the issue of complexes on a more scientific and deep level: