During the experiments, it became clear that the questionnaire can “bring together” not only lovers, but also friends. Since The New York Times article was published, the evidence has been mounting. Stories of love, friendship, reconciliation. There are so many of them that Mandy Len Catron is preparing a book on this topic, The Love Story Project. Intrigued, we asked the psychoanalyst Sophie Kadalen, author of the book “Love without Instructions”, a specialist in relationships in a couple, to share with us their opinion.
“I was puzzled —” she admits — ” because there weren’t many questions I could answer quickly. It was difficult to give short answers. The strength of this exercise is probably that it throws us off balance. It makes us hesitate, doubt, choose. But what defines us as a person is more questions than answers. The questionnaire allows us to capture the moment when we are particularly close to our present self.”
Discover your vulnerability.
According to the psychoanalyst, close relationships arise here rather than as a result of an exchange of intimate confessions, but due to the fact that two people expose their weakness. “That’s why,” she continues, ” this questionnaire is also effective for established couples. Over time, we come to believe that we know each other perfectly, and this kills the love feeling.
Questions are interesting because they make us notice again the strange and unfamiliar sides of the other, when we are surprised by his answers, his pauses, his emotions. They put us in a situation of uncertainty, and it is this detachment that makes us desirable and awakens desire in ourselves.” Sophie Kadalen, like Mandy Len Catron, explains that this exercise only awakens a dormant or unconscious love feeling, but does not create it. Fortunately for us, love has not yet learned to produce in laboratories.
How to conduct a survey.
Set aside about an hour in a quiet place. Answer the questions one at a time. Speak with an open mind, do not take notes, do not comment on your partner’s answers. Be as sincere as possible. From the first to the third part of the questionnaire, the degree of intimacy increases; you can pause between parts. At the end of four minutes, look into each other’s eyes.
Series # 1.
- If you could invite someone to dinner (a loved one, a deceased relative, a celebrity), who would you choose?
- Would you like to be famous?
- Before you make a call, do you happen to rehearse your line? Why?
- What would be your “perfect day”?
- When was the last time you sang alone? And for someone else?
- If you could live to the age of 90 and in the last 60 years keep either the mind or the body of a 30-year-old, which would you choose?
- Do you have a secret premonition of how you will die?
- Name three traits that you think both you and your partner have.
- What do you feel most grateful for?
- If you could, what would you change about the way you were raised?
- In 4 minutes, tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow with some skill or ability, what would it be?
Series # 2.
- If a magic crystal could reveal the truth to you, what would you like to know?
- Is there something you’ve been dreaming of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it yet?
- What is the greatest achievement of your life?
- What is the most valuable thing in friendship for you?
- What is your dearest memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that you would die in a year, what would you change in the way you live? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What role do love and tenderness play in your life?
- Take turns naming your partner’s positive traits (exchange five characteristics).
- Are your family relations warm and close?
- How do you feel about your interaction with your mother?
Series # 3.
- Make up three statements each that are true for both of you. For example, “We both feel now.”
- Continue with the phrase, ” I wish there was someone to share with. “
- If you were going to become a close friend to your partner, what would you tell him: what do you think he should know about you?
- Tell your partner what you like about him; speak directly, say things that you could not say to a casual acquaintance.
- Share with your partner an unpleasant situation or an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When was the last time you cried in front of someone?
- Tell your partner what you already value in him (her).
- In your opinion, what topic is too serious to joke about?
- If you were to die today before the end of the day without speaking to anyone, what would you regret most about the unspoken things? Why haven’t you said that yet?
- Your house and all your possessions caught fire. After saving your loved ones, as well as your pets, you have time to run into the house and save something else from the flames. What would you take? Why?
- Which of your family members would you be most upset about dying? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner how they would handle it. Then ask him what he thinks of your feelings about the problem.