You’re in a toxic relationship.
If you instantly fall in love without really knowing the person, if you are haunted by constant thoughts about him or her, if your mood depends entirely on whether the object of your love called you today, then you are prone to unhealthy emotional dependence.
This dependence often falls on people who lack self-love, and they are looking for it from the outside. It turns out a vicious circle of toxic relationships, but from it, fortunately, there is a way out.
Emotionally dependent people make their partner their “deity” — their whole life revolves around him, the state of happiness or unhappiness depends on him. They either seek to completely absorb the partner, controlling his every step, or play the role of a victim in the relationship, deep down reveling in their suffering.
Family therapist Darlene Lancer writes that true love and emotional dependence are different things and you need to learn to distinguish them. And here are the warning signs that indicate the beginning of an unhealthy attachment. Don’t let yourself fall into such a trap.
- You immediately think that you have found the love of your life.
There are people who are very amorous, and after the first date they fly home with a happy thought: “This is exactly who I need!” (or her). Unfortunately, most often it turns out that this is not the case. After meeting with a person who turned your head, try to cool this head.
Between meetings, take a break in a couple of days, try to spend a little time alone, switch to an activity that will completely distract you from thinking about this person.
- You idealize your partner too much.
At the beginning of dating, listen more than you talk, and listen carefully. If a person throws the phrase ” You will have a hard time with me” — so it will be. If he mentions, even in passing or in the form of a joke, that he likes to drink or has some other bad habits and problems, do not ignore it.
It is not necessary to selflessly assure a person that “all this is nonsense, we will manage”. He doesn’t warn you to get you ready and ready. Such words mean either “I did not like you/ did not like you, stay away”, or “I agree, but only on such conditions”. Do you need it? This is not at all what you say to a person who really likes it. So moderate your ardor and think about whether to meet again.
- You can’t say no”
Test yourself for the ability to say “no”to your partner. Do not hesitate to refuse invitations to events that are not interesting to you, from an inconvenient meeting time for you, from inappropriate requests, from premature touches and intimacy for which you are not yet ready.
The position “I would rather agree than explain at length why I don’t want to, and he/ she will be offended” is a losing one. Do not lose yourself in favor of another, no one will appreciate it.
- You neglect your friends to please your partner.
Keep the relationship with your friends that you have had and will continue to have, regardless of the presence or absence of a partner. When we are deeply in love, we don’t want to think about anyone but the object of love, and if we meet with friends, we only talk about him/ her.
Don’t forget that your friends have feelings too. And not as muddled as your mind is now. Therefore, it is worth introducing the other half to your friends early. Perhaps they will notice what you don’t and keep you from sinking into a toxic relationship. Well, if your partner does not want to meet your friends and relatives, this is another reason to think about whether he really needs you.
- You have abandoned your hobbies.
Do not give up your favorite activities. With the advent of a new person, your life should become richer, not poorer, when hobby tools and sports equipment are gathering dust in the corner, and instead of diplomas and medals, only photos of your couple now hang on the wall.
A passionate person with many interests is very attractive as a partner. Do not make a loved one the center of the Universe, do not put your happiness, well-being and mood in dependence on him/ her. No one can stand such a heavy burden.
- You turn a blind eye to alarms.
Listen to your feelings, doubts, and suspicions. If something in the behavior of your partner bothers you, do not hesitate to say it right away and find out everything. There is no hope that he or she will ever change of their own accord. A person who cares about you, it is enough to say once what you do not like, so that he will make an effort to change the situation.
Do not justify his actions against you with childhood injuries, employment at work, problems with your mother, and pretend to be a lifeguard. If he is constantly on the horse, and you are in the role of the victim, do not turn a blind eye to this, there is clearly something wrong.
- You trust your partner’s opinion implicitly.
If you suddenly realize that you are doing something that you would never have done before, just because your partner likes it, this is a reason to think. Replacing your beliefs with your partner’s beliefs means that you have already lost a significant part of yourself and soon there will be nothing left of you at all.
You risk becoming just a shadow of your boyfriend or girlfriend. This is fraught with serious problems, including health, not to mention the fact that your partner will not care about you.
- You are wildly jealous of every little thing.
Fear of loneliness or past betrayals should not poison the relationship in the present. Are the reasons for jealousy real or just in your imagination? You risk losing your partner not because of someone else, but because of yourself: no one can stand the constant distrust, the need to constantly reassure you and assure you of love.
It also happens in another way: the reasons for jealousy are quite real, but instead of the desired “Sorry, I didn’t think it was unpleasant for you, I won’t do it again”, you once again hear the phrase “It’s all nonsense”” You try to turn a blind eye and convince everyone (and above all yourself) that you have a beautiful, strong couple, but fears and doubts literally eat you up from the inside. Such a relationship can not be called happy.
- You feel unbearable when your partner is not around.
When we are in love, we want to be near the object of our adoration every minute. But do not strangle a person with your excessive attention. Do not live only in love dreams, remember the daily tasks and duties that you have abandoned. Leave your personal space to your partner, do not try to find out everything about him.
Try not to concentrate on bad thoughts like ” What if she’s with someone else now!” Because she can really be with someone else. Your anxiety will not change this in any way, it is better to pay attention to her behavior in general. Don’t fill up all your free time and all your mind with a partner. So you will be in his or her eyes only more interesting.
- You justify the ugly behavior of your partner.
In the state of love, we tend to see our partner through rose-colored glasses. It is worth paying attention not only to how he or she behaves with you (we all first try to show ourselves in front of a potential partner from the best side), but also how he or she communicates with others.
If on the first date with you a man is gallant and smiles sweetly, but suddenly starts shouting at the waitress who mixed up the dishes — this is a bad sign. After a while, when the first passion subsides, you can be in the place of this waitress when you are going to the cinema for 20 minutes instead of 10.