Husband and wife live as neighbors
The husband and wife live as neighbors in the living space. Who is to blame and what to do?
According to neighbors and even relatives, you have a model family. The husband works, the wife brings up children and provides home comfort, there are no violent quarrels, acute conflicts, too. However – and only you know this – behind the facade of well-being lies a sad truth: you and your spouse have long been estranged, your feelings have cooled, your attraction has faded, and if it weren’t for the children, you would most likely have already divorced. The husband and wife became neighbors in the living space. So many families live, alas. Is it possible to save the situation and revive the relationship? Are such problems unavoidable or preventable? Let’s get this straight.
By the residual principle.
At different stages of the relationship between a man and a woman, the difficulties are different. At the very beginning, we try to make an impression, to arouse sympathy. Then, when you meet, you get to know the other person better. Cohabitation involves the stage of “lapping”. The birth of a child also causes difficulties that must be overcome. That’s life.
Until the problems that will be discussed in this article, still, as they say, you need to live. They usually make themselves felt in pairs with an experience of 8-10 years or more. But it all starts earlier, unnoticed and harmless.
In many families with children, the roles are traditionally distributed: the husband earns money, the wife takes care of the children and the house. The workload of both spouses is large. My husband works late, and if he has his own business, then-almost around the clock. The wife manages to do a huge number of things, especially if there are several children in the family.
Neither the strength nor the time for intimate and personal communication is not enough. “Hello!”, ” Bye!”, “How are you?” – that’s all (almost) communication. Things are being done, but everyone has their own things, and the general topics remain the upbringing of children and household issues. There are no common interests, no common hobbies. There is almost nothing to talk about, except for a range of family issues. Intimate relationships are rare and do not bring much satisfaction, and you do not want to understand what is wrong. Meetings with friends are infrequent, outings in the “light”, for example, in the theater, are also very rare. Even flowers are given twice a year: on your birthday and on March 8. No romance.
Sometimes the wife also works, often remotely, on a relatively free schedule. It happens that such a switch from household chores makes the situation easier, but often it only gets worse, because there is even less time and effort left for the “man – woman” relationship.
Treason as compensation.
One of the most unpleasant consequences of such a devastated married life is infidelity. Constantly not receiving the most important things from the marriage partner – compliments and gratitude, tenderness and admiration, sexual interest – one or both spouses go to ” get ” these missing moments on the side. Husbands are more likely to have mistresses for a full sexual life, women go “to the left” mainly for emotional intimacy (and sexual, too).
Most often, it is the detection of infidelity that becomes such a “shake-up” that it is impossible to “close your eyes”. Dissatisfaction with the marital relationship becomes obvious – and the couple either breaks up (temporarily, until the emotions settle down, or for good), or goes to a family psychologist.
In the second case, there is a lot of work to be done if both spouses have a desire to preserve the family and establish close relations.
Moscow was not built immediately.
Often, first of all, there is a request to improve intimate relationships, but you need to start correcting the situation not with sex, but with communication and interaction.
The first thing to start the “reset” of marital relations is to recognize that this is our common problem and our common task. In my experience of consulting, there were cases when only one side took the initiative – but this was a temporary stage, and if the “one-goal game” lasted for a long time, then everything ended, and people parted. But when, even if not immediately, the second party began to show activity, the results were very good.
It would be naive to think that such complex problems can be solved with simple recommendations like “do a little something good for each other”. There is no ground for following such advice. Therefore, you will have to start work by recognizing the difficulties that have been in the couple for many years:
lack of romantic attention, conflicts over money, irritation with the influence of the older generation on the family, accumulated fatigue, unspoken discontent.
All these and other problematic topics will have to be raised, recognized, discussed, and searched for how to solve them.
Through resentment and frustration, impotence and anger, guilt and forgiveness, lies a difficult path to restore trust, intimacy, and the desire to work on a relationship.
Having cleared the” clearing “of most of the “weeds”, it is the turn of” sowing “good” seeds”: returning to the relationship of the lost elements: kind words, praise, pleasant surprises, pleasant spending time together, gentle touches. It is good when you can find a new common hobby: dancing or a foreign language, yoga or Nordic walking. We try to create not a vicious circle, but a positive one: I do something good for you from the bottom of my heart, and you have a sincere desire to do something pleasant for me.
In cases where problems have greatly worsened sexual relations, it is not necessary to force events, but to start with gentle hugs and stroking, mutual massage with touching sensitive areas, but do not necessarily consider this as a prelude to full intimacy. On the contrary, it is recommended not to get hung up on the idea of the need to perform sexual intercourse, but to try to give the partner pleasure without it, to expand the range of caresses, to better find out what gives the spouse pleasure.
Feed your feelings!
A fire, as you know, is easier to prevent than to extinguish. So it is here: it is easier to prevent such a distance and “parallelization” of life than to correct it.
Remember that you are not only parents, not only partners in solving housing, financial and other problems, you are husband and wife, man and woman.
A romantic note, a sensual component must be present in your relationship.
In any circumstances, no matter how busy you are, there is an opportunity to show your spouse that you see in him an attractive representative of the other sex, causing you to like and desire. Look for unique ways for your couple to express emotional intimacy, do not hesitate to say “I love you”. Then the years spent together will not separate you from each other, but, on the contrary, will bring you closer and unite you into a solid “We” – the basis for a happy family life.