Dating a young girl.
A single girl-about the inability to build relationships, the reasons from childhood and the tactlessness of relatives.
The girl believes that she is still lonely for a reason — she has time to sort herself out.
A resident of Arkhangelsk has always dreamed of getting married. She had experienced a serious relationship, but it ended not with a wedding, as she initially assumed, but with a breakup. Over the past few years, her personal life has not developed at all — to the point that a young and pretty girl who provides for herself does not even go on dates. But the psychologically terrible date is approaching — the 30th anniversary. Friends and classmates, for the most part, have long been married (and some have already managed to divorce). And relatives are constantly wondering when the cherished marriage and children will finally take place. In her column, she reflects on what is wrong with her, tells how she fights off tactless questions and how she decided to work on herself. Next — from the first person.
— I’m almost 30 years old, and I’m still not married and not in a relationship. I don’t even go on dates. Sometimes I envy my friends, most of whom have second halves. I look at the couples, I get angry with myself and I think: well, how is it? Why can others get to know each other and get into a relationship, but I can’t?
I realized that I was doing something wrong or thinking something wrong, so I started looking for answers to these questions. And I realized that men just don’t notice me. And even if they pay attention, and at the first meeting I can like a young man, then after the second or third meeting, the matter does not go further.
I think there are several reasons for this. First, I am very busy, heavy-in the sense that I like to load other people with my worries and problems. Recently I came to a friend, and she was waiting for another friend. And I thought to myself: “Damn, again this heavy girl will come, will complain about life.” And suddenly I realized that I also like to do this. And people, naturally, want to communicate more easily.
I also constantly think not about myself, but about what others will think of me. The question that I often ask myself is: did I do the right thing in such a situation or not, did I offend someone? This stupid habit of relying on someone else’s opinion all the time, and pushing your own somewhere in the background, also quite strongly interferes with normal communication with the opposite sexualy. You can’t really be yourself at times like this.
Another of my “sins” is straightforwardness.
Then he is not interested in solving anything, he has nothing to be surprised about. In addition, I do not want to drag out time and try to put all the dots on the “i”at once. Probably, it is necessary on the contrary: to be so easy, mysterious. And I immediately want to be liked for who I am, not to pretend. It’s hard for me to pretend to be someone. I rarely get acquainted with men myself, my modesty hinders me. Maybe that’s why I don’t date. Secondly, I have certain requirements for a man who could interest me. I know that this is a mistake, but for now, alas, I continue to demand some kind of ideal from myself and from others. I can’t lower the bar.
I associate all of the above with the fact that I do not know how to communicate with the opposite sexualy at all. It comes from childhood. My father died when I was little, and my mother was alone all her life.
The fact that my mother did not allow herself to get married again because of the children, I think it was her mistake. She had boyfriends, and they probably made offers. But my sister and I gave her an ultimatum: “If you get married, we’ll leave you.” The funny thing is, she listened to us. We were still young and didn’t understand anything. I think now that she might not take the children’s words so seriously. As adults, we would understand it.
At the moment, I’m working on making a change. The fact that I’m still alone, probably for a reason. And I have time to sort myself out, to make my life more joyful. I try to fill my energy, or something. So as not to be overweight. Here, for example, I went for a manicure — I got a simple female pleasure, purely for myself. And before I limited myself in everything, because there was a thought: and for whom to try? Why would I just go to the barber and dye my hair a different color? I’m not in a relationship right now, I thought, and I can take it without manicures. I forbade myself such joys, punished myself if I bought a beautiful dress or blouse for no reason. Sometimes I was too lazy to take care of myself: I made a bun on my head, and that’s enough. Anyway, at work, where there are only women, there is no one to look at me. Everything was done as if for others. Now I realize that you need to please yourself first, then others, including men, will notice it.
With this awareness, it’s much easier to be alone, but I’m just beginning to get used to such thoughts. However, there are still relatives. They are already 23 years old and then continuously begin to attack with questions: when to get married, when to have children? And not only relatives can ask about it directly, but even completely unrelated people — work colleagues, acquaintances.
It used to annoy me, I was constantly making excuses and getting upset. And now, perhaps, I have already got used to it and just say: “Soon, soon”. When I call my family, they always ask:
- So, did you find someone for yourself?
Maybe this is such a routine question for them, when they do not know what else to talk about. I always say I’m not looking for anyone. It’s always noticeable when a girl is in search. It also scares men away, I think.
From the relatives, probably, there is even more pressure about the fact that “you are almost 30, let’s give birth”. It’s really tougher, and I don’t like it at all. They just say that it’s time to give birth, that time is passing, that I will be an old-born woman, and so on.
This automatically means for them some kind of unsettled life. I try not to try this opinion on myself now. Yes, I still want to get married, but for now I’m giving myself time to sort myself out. In particular, I ask myself the question of why the idea of marriage is so stuck in my head. After all, I can’t even just go on dates now, to meet someone without this constantly present in my mind the prospect of a serious relationship, so that it immediately goes to the wedding and to love until the grave. I haven’t found an exact answer yet, but I’m in the process.
The opinion of the author may not coincide with the opinion of the editorial board.